JOKES

The old country doctor is retiring and a new young doctor is taking over the practice.  To help the new doctor become familiar with the patients, the old doctor takes him along on the morning rounds.  They first call-in on a lady who has been complaining of bloating and farting and generally feeling unwell in the stomach.  The old doctor examines her and tells her to eat less fruit and see if that helps.  Back in the car the young doctor asks, “You hardly examined her.  How did you know to tell her to reduce her fruit intake?”.  The old doctor replies, “When I dropped my stethoscope I noticed the rubbish bin next to the bed was full of orange peel, banana skins, apple cores and apricot stones!  It was obvious she had been eating quite a lot of fruit.”

At the next patient’s house they knock on the door and the lady takes a short while to answer the door.  On her way back to the bedroom she thanks the doctor for coming and complains that she is always feeling listless and tired.  The old doctor asks the young doctor to examine her.  He asks her about her activities at the church and she says she is helping with the services, putting out the hymn books, organising the flowers, cleaning up after the weddings, weeding the graveyard.  The young doctor advises her to cut down on the amount of work she does at the church.

Back in the car the old doctor says, “That was impressive.  How did you know she was spending so much time at the church?”.  The young doctor replied, “I followed your example.  I dropped my stethoscope.  When I bent down to pick it up I saw the Vicar under the bed!”

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.  “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

 

A tourist on a diving charter off the coast of Florida asks the blond dive master: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which the blond replies: “Think about it! If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

 

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, I know ’em all.’

A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Victoria?  The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy .. it’s V.’

 

WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous “

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool”

 

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to New York, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

 

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears?

“I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”  “Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But, what happened to your other ear?”

“He called back!”

 

5 interesting facts:

  1. Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.
  2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
  4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.
  5. A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.

 

Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy, “Ya know, I reckon I’m about ready for a holiday. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different.  The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.  I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn’t get pregnant again.”

Murphy asks Paddy, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”  Paddy says, “This year I’m taking Molly with me.”

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument !

 

Our wall clock almost killed my mother today!” a wife complains. “It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”
The husband mumbles, “Damn clock always was slow.”

 

An English professor wrote the words, “woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”  The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.

 

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.

So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.

The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.

The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.

The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before – better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.

Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes.

The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.

A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out.

A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”

And the octopus says,

“Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pyjamas off.”

 

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a pub in a small country town outside of Alice Springs. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as some other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off … it was a fine, dry summer night … , flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited all this time patiently, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it, mate”, said the truly proud farmer. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

 

Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small  boy  wrote:  “The fireman  came  down  the ladder  pregnant.”  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

 

A man was telling his neighbour,  ‘I  just  bought  a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbour. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.’

 

After  years  of  dating,  a Dublin  man  finally  proposes to  his  girlfriend  on  St Patrick’s Day and gives her a cubic zirconia engagement ring.

“You cheap-skate!” his girlfriend yells. “This isn’t even a real diamond.”

“I know,” he replies, “but in honour of St.Patrick,  I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock.”